Simple Review - Final Fantasy 7 Remake

Through the fire and the flames of this thirsty reality of ours, Cloud, Tifa, and the rest of his harem have carried on in Final Fantasy 7 Remake.

What would you say to the following query: Soup or Salad?

Time is up - the answer is...leave the croutons.

Please, join me as we drive head-first into the latest Dance Dance Revolution. This time, with swords.

This is a game out of time. Out of dream. Out of the pizza sauce ether that has been used to foretell the immortal life of our lord and savior, Warren Buffet.

Cloud is meant to be in the sky, yet he hops off trains. Barret is supposed to be voiced by Warren Buffet. Does this look like Warren Buffet to you? Also, does this look like voice acting?

My disappointment radiates like a gangrenous toe on the end of a frost bitten leg. Final Fantasy 7 Remake is in the retro style. The polygons are meant to slice your corneas. The characters are meant to have seizures anytime they emote. The backgrounds are meant to look like faded placemats.

All of Final Fantasy 7 Remake is meant to be. What I cannot understand is why this looks the exact same as the first game.

Oh. I see.
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Perhaps...hm. Let me try this.

Ah, that’s better. Now I am the one that makes you bleed.

There is your eye-candy. There is what makes Final Fantasy 7 Remake so irresistible to the eye. Your turn-based combat is replaced with the real deal - quick, ferocious, challenging sword-hacking. And fist-bumping. And team-switching, where you can save Cloud’s backside from being completely roasted by fire. Or have Barret send his Big Bang attack through the face of Aizen.

The story is fabulously mysterious. What will be new? What will be old? These are the questions that the internet will have spoiled for you within the first week of release.
There is more excitement. There is more to battle. There are--

I CAST SLOW!
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More. Fucking. Parts. This Remake of the gods equates to 6 hours of the original game - of a 100+ hours. That’d be all well and fine if these we’re coming out every 6 months, but this is Square Fucking Enix son. We’re not going to see part 2 until 2023 at least. Fuck your closure! I can’t wait until 2087 when the PlayStation 27 will bring the entire Final Fantasy 7 Collection that takes up 2 terabytes of storage and allows you to see the game through the eyes of Cloud’s stupid shoulder pad. All hail progress!

These pixels are not filling.

You’ll come away from Final Fantasy 7 Remake with a sense of longing for more. A ravenous hunger, if you will, to know the next steps. Alas, instead, we will wait, banging our bowls on the table like spoiled infants.

Like a family.

Final Fantasy 7 Remake receives a 12 inch sword out of 14 inches. Nice.

Now that I live in the throngs of the pixel...that is all. The pixel is my lord. Suck it, Buffet.
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As for all of you...you...are welcome.